i'm so f***ig bored. and generally bummed out. and i haven't written in this thing in over a year. so. hello.

so since i last wrote here, i've met and seen three days grace live. and it was the most amazing day of my existence. october 7, 2011. i cried from happiness a couple of times, and i've never actually done that before. the only other time i came close to crying was when amazon put out the 30 second previews of all the songs on life starts now. haha.
so i like, wrote a letter to three days grace, lol. pretty f***ing gay right? i brought it up as a joke and bryan and mercedes forced me to actually do it. so i did. and i went all out. i kinda cried when i wrote it. *imapussy* but just. yeah. i love them so much. < 3 and i don't think people really understand me when i say i love them. it's kind of scary how dependant i am on them anymore. im moving to germany in may and my mom is staying in the states so i won't see her for like 2 years. and i am planning on just loving three days grace my whole time i'm there. lol. i wont be able to drive, school is gonna be way easier than it is for me now, im gonna refuse to make friends because i f***ing hate kids, and i'm gonna be depressed over maybe the two people i feel like i can actually trust with anything. just, life is gonna suck and i'm so happy three days grace is making a new album to help me cope. lol. and i'm only gonna get to talk to my best friend maybe 2 hours on the weekends because of the time difference. so i'm gonna need three days grace so bad, and it sounds so gay and emo but just blegh. theyre always the first thing i turn to when i'm going through anything. a long time ago when i was fighting with all of my friends and i felt like i had nobody left, i turned to three days grace. i remember watching the break music video because it had just come out. and when i went to go into surgery i asked the doctor if i could listen to my ipod even though i'd be unconcious, and i put on three days grace. and the two weeks before the three days grace concert, so much s*** started happening all at once, my uncle died of a heart attack when he was pretty young, my great grandfather died and i had just basically met him for the second time in my life in the spring of this year, and my dog was basically dying, he was half deaf and half blind and he couldnt walk and he basically sat in the vet for a week or so, and my parents debated putting him down. and then after all this s*** with my first dog happens, i was laying down with my other dog and holding him, and then he started to seizure while i was holding him. and on a lesser note, it sounds so stupid and teen angsty, but i didn't get to go to a bring me the horizon concert that weekend either, and i cant get over how teenager this sounds but missing concerts is one of the worst feelings for me. music and concerts are all i really have i feel like. and just all this s*** happened in the course of two weeks and it just all hit me like a ton of bricks all at once. and i just kept telling myself that three days grace was coming up. but then i found out i might not be able to go to the concert because my grandfathers funeral was the day after the concert in indiana. and this sounds s***ty as hell, but that was it. that concert was sososo important to me, at that time it seemed so much more important than my grandfathers funeral. it sounds so horrible and i feel bad for saying it. but it was true at that time. after everything, all i wanted was to go see my favorite people in the world in concert fo the first time. and when i found out i had gone through all this s*** and i also wouldnt be able to go see them even though i had been anticipating it for 6 months, i lost it. i basically told my two best friends that they needed to go meet three days grace, give them my letter, and i was gonna just kill myself after my grandfathers funeral if i couldnt go. and im honestly not that kind of person. i've never HONESTLY wanted to kill myself. and i thank three days grace for that. but just taking something like this away from me was all i could take. and my friends were telling me theyd sell their tickets because it was unfair if i couldnt go too, but it really didnt matter to me, i mean i was happy they were taking me into consideration but that still wasnt enough. and then i found out i could actually go, i'd have to miss my grandpfathers funeral in turn, though. and i still really wish i could have been there. but my parents just went alone, we couldnt afford for all of us to go. but at the concert, when three days grace started to play never too late, i lost it again, lol. i was just screaming along and bawling my eyes out. it was the song that first got me into three days grace and the first song to help me through mu problems, and it was helping me again. and it was just amazing. idk. i don't even care about the people around me who heard me crying, i couldn't help it.
i was talking to mercedes last night (well actually like at 4 in the morning) and basically telling her about all of this. and i told her its kinda scary how much they mean to me, and its unhealthy. i think i love them more than i could ever love another person. and its horrible. and theyre the only thing i'm sure about in life. im not sure about anything, but i just know that i love three days grace so much. i sound so crazy, but is just how i feel. and its how i;ve felt since i first started listening to them when i was 11. and all of my life goals involve three days grace, lol. its so creepy. so if anybody can hook me up with a job involving three days grace, that'd be great. haha. but mercedes just said that its really cool that i'm so dedicated to something. i dont know. i just feel like its way too much, but oh well.
i just love three days grace so much more than i can express. they mean so much to me. i love you guys, please never stop what you're doing<3

i dont even know if this thing makes any sense whatsoever, i just sorta wrote. ah well.