Everything about me contridicts something else about me. before... like three years ago... it was so easy... now. Im a puzzle that fell apart and even I cant figure out how to put it back together. I think my picture changed...
When Im in a crowd, its like Im alone, trapped into a cave thats growing smaller with no exit. (and Im clausterphobic)
When Im alone, i can see all the faces Ive ever known, and they all are screaming at me about some aweful thing. Im not good enough, I do things wrong, Im horrid, and more. they laugh at em and circle me. and yet... Im the only one that can hear or see them. bleh...
When im in a crowd with my friends or boyfriend, its so much easier, I get lost in my friends. but i still feel detached.
when Im alone with friends and my boyfriend, thats the only time Im connected truely. my puzzle fits together...
but the worst time is when I cant handle it anymore. People start to frighten me... to many... to close... and I just crack. I cry and Im scared, and Im alone in a crowd of people that could be out to hurt me. (Im not paraniod just messed up in the head)
I never know what each day will be like cuz it always changes. sometimes being with people is worse than being alone, and vise versa...
ive found another way to hurt myself, and all it does is leave bruises. (dont ask I wont tell) and my mom saw the bruises and shes freaking out! ugh...
I have been keepeing everything from my mom. She knows nothing. not about how I hurt myself, my boyfriend, my friends in general, my thoughts, and I dont plan on telling her. She keeps gettign mad at me for no reason... seriously!!! Now shes mad because I seem closed off and secretive.. and I am... but i cant help it!!! I refuse to tell her anything. I would be so much worse off... i dont know what to do anymore... GOD!!! And im having a major doubting in my religion... I dont really believe anything right now...
I feel cut off and alone...
and suicidal again.
and my way of hurting myself...
well its on hold...
Im going crazy..
maybe for real...
in all technicalities..
im just a kid...
why am I so messed up already?
why now?
Why again?
any adivise?
oh.. and my boyfriend doesnt know about my messed up self..
he just knows alot about everything else about me...
should I tell him?
aaahhh...
HELP ME SOMEONE!
but what if?
So what if you can see
the darkest side of me?
What if I cant change?
what do I do?