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If You Could Only See, the Darker Side of Me...
Well....I don't even know for sure what's happening....
I've felt these feelings coming...this darkness creeping closer and closer...penetrating my mind slowly for a while...and then a couple days (weeks?) ago, something in me snapped and let the beast out...All of the sudden I hated my life more than I ever have...even though it has been growing worse over these last few months it has all the sudden reached a climax...I hate my life, i hate my family, i hate having to get out of bed in the morning....I hate not being loved back by the guy i'm in love w/....i hate being hated by his girlfriend, i and i love to hate her back....i hate to hate...and relish the darkness at the same time....I feel like my life is falling into a deep dark hole of depression and hate....I've become the person i thought i would never be...hating life and cursing everything in it....my parents don't know what's wrong w/ me and treat me like absolute s***....i've been considering cutting lately....and that was one thing that i knew i would never do...thought was stupid...didn't understand....i am becoming something dark depressed, an...animal....sometimes i literally feel like i'm restraining myself from jumping at someones throat....everytime she hugs him...i have to hold myself down...stop myself from....he is the only one who can calm the beast inside and I do feel much calmer....so much better...almost like myself again....when i'm around him....and yet i know that he doesn't love me....and i have a feeling it's not going to change......even right now that knife is looking pretty good.....i don't know what's happening....what to do.....what will happen....
If you could only see
The darker side of me
No one will ever change
This animal I have become
My life is a living hell....and yet...in my state of mind....sometimes i don't want to go back to me....sometimes...i like being savage....an animal....the villain instead of the hero....what if i'm the bad guy?....life is pain....pain is good?...Pain is bad....I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all....
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Kommentare for this Blog post
man
jeez. I did the same thing.. only it was over soemthing else. dont do it. I swear. its not worth it. I f***ed myslef up hurting myself. No matter what, its not the answer. it was one of those things I swore id never do... then I did it for.. 3? yeah 3 years. dont. okay? dont put yourself through that.
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Death by silence.
Death by words.
Who says death dont hurt?
I'll try....
I kno...i'll try...but in this state of mind i'm not myself....i don't kno if i'll be able to control it next time it gets that bad...and that could be soon...
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...He loves me not....bring on the chaos....
yea.
Yahh, I know the feeling. I know what it's like seeing "him" and how he makes it all better. It is right up there on my top 10 for one of the most painful sights, seeing him with "her". Some people think it's so pitiful but it's so not; it's really really hard.
And I know the snapping where you just hate everything. And I know not wanting to go back to the normal you, the life you used to have. I'm not much help because I'm still in the shaky unsure state you seem to be in, unless I am mistaken. But what you have written here... is 98% exactly the boat I'm in right now too.
wow
Wow. I was like that and other things too.. but a lot has changed for me, and I just hope you two r as lucky as I was.
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Death by silence.
Death by words.
Who says death dont hurt?
Chaos
I totally know how you feel. I can feel something horrible inside of me...
There was a guy I used to like A LOT. He didn't feel the same way....We haven't talked at all since he found out I liked him. We used to be friends...So I just kind of refused to let myself love again. Nobody in my family has ever had a happy ending. They all end up in a failed marriage. I'm terrified that's what I have to look forward to...I try to avoid feeling, but I can't stop the rage that constantly takes over me. It wants me to kill...And I can't hold it back much longer.
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It doesn't matter anymore. Let the chaos begin.
...
in a way i know how you feel. i had this crush on a guy and i don't think he even likes me, i've actaully tired to cut myself to releive pain when i was depressed (it sort of work) and i would have never even thought to cause damage to myself. im not doing to well in school (grade wise) when i used to be a A or B student. now im like a CDF student. i going through this stupid fight with one of friends cause she totally abandoned me, but i found other people who actually care for me(that's a plus) before i was on the verge of anerexia.(wasn't eating for cerntain reason. crying, feeling really s***ty inside, and sometimes i just want to strangle this person whos anoyying the hell out of me.
But i don't know how it feels to come home and have a family treat me like s***, cause my parents always loved me.
but seriously don't out yourself thourgh that cutting stage, cause it's just not worth it
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I got some good news for you hhuuuhhhh?!
Thanks
I kno that i shouldn't get into cutting....and with every single bit of my old state of mind i have i'll try not to....but i just don't kno when i'll lose control...i can't control the beast inside and the part that scares me the most is that sometimes...i don't want to...but thanks for the support and advice guys....it's people like u who make the dark times at least a bit brighter...
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...He loves me not....bring on the chaos....
Lights in the Dark
So far I've managed to keep part of myself intact and have kept the animal inside from cutting or harming myself puposfully. I just wanted to let you all know how thankful I am for your support and advice. You have helped me keep the animal at bay. Times are still tough and the idea of taking a knife to myself still seems good at times. I promise to keep you all updated and well informed. My heart still hurts as bad as ever but I know that Matt and Courtney won't last too much longer. I also know that as soon as they break up Iwill have hope that he'll say yes to me...and if he doesn't....the process of breaking will repeat. Enough of that, back to the point...I want to thank you all for being a light in the dark.
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...He loves me not....bring on the chaos....