With hiding my life I'm ready to speak and share my stories... and I'm only sharing them here...

04/28/10 9:03 a.m. (did this today in a couple of hours. but I might only put parts...)

My mother and father seperated and divorced when I was still a toddler. So my mother gave my grandmother temporary custody to her. Growing up I was always made fun of because of my weight even my grandmother. I would tell my grandmother that I was hungry and she would say (in spanish) "cuando?"
me: "..."
her: "cuando no?!"
which means "when?" "when aren't you?!"
She would get mad at me cuz she would buy me new clothes and they wouldn't fit and she would say "ay, Jessica estas muy gorda!" (translation "ugh!, Jessica your too fat!") and I would go to my room and cry and hit and scratch my stomach as if it will come off. Until later on at age 14, I learned I could starve myself. Now she tells me I never eat! I wish I wouldn't say I was bulimic more along the lines of anorexic and if I did eat I would throw it up but never eating so much then throwing up. Oh God no will be too scared that I missed a particle of food or hell a whole two meals in there! The sure fire thing that I don't get in any calories is to simply not to consume any. And yes I have been hospitalized for starving myself and for some weird reason... I am damn proud of it. I CAN kill myself with my own body I AM IN CONTROL. But I have never been truly skinny. I always decide to force feed myself again for friends and family... but every time I relapse it gets worse. Just recently was the first time I actually got hospitalized for it. I couldn't even stand without passing out, and when I did try to force feed myself, I would puke it up, because my body couldn't hold it in not even water. But that was when I was with my friend, if I was with my grandma or my mom I would have stuck it out I don't want them to see what I can do to myself. I went to the mental hospital, happened while living with my dad. When I was with my grandma and try to kill myself with "remeron", I never told her that I failed the attempt and felt horrible. Even though I puked every 5 minutes, even though my bottom half of my body did not want to be attached to the top and felt like it wanted to fall off. I couldn't and can't tell them they would probably say "you want attention" or "you did it to yourself so now suffer" (for those people who think I'm over exaggerating, I am not. They have had told me those words before in situations you wouldn't believe.)
I always see it pointless to speak. I don't want attention...far from it, I wish I can be alone forever. Perhaps living up in a far off mountain where it's always snowing. Cold, to be similar as reality how cold people can be. Internet only to see the news in the normal world and to be glad I'm far from it. Listen to the latest music but not want anything to do with any peopl or contact. television, yes. Food, maybe.
My grandmother, a strong-willed, strong in general, loving, fun and funny, woman. I love her but her morals are all wrong and she believes I seek attention, but now I think she's slowly realizing that me trying to isolate myself from others, that maybe I don't want attention. My mother... Truly to say, she is a whole large chapter in my life...

I don't expect you to like my story or my life or the way I think neither do I care if you believe it or not because this is my life and I'm ready to share it.

p.s. not done... will maybe continue...

Siren